My Testimony

I believe that if I am going to start blogging about my faith and my love for God then I have to share my personal story.

I was blessed long before I knew God as my Lord and Savior, by having the priviledge of attending a Christian school from kindergarten so I knew who God was at a young age. As I moved through elementary and middle school I started seeing friends accept Christ and thought it was cool but was convinced I knew who God was already. When I reached high school I had some passionate teachers and parents of friends who had a love for God that I've never seen before. I realized that knowing God and being a child of God where two different things. However, I knew what the Christian life was all about and I didn't want to stop "having fun". I wasn't a "bad" kid but I wanted to be able to say a cuss word, gossip, lie and do what I wanted without the guilt. I planned to become a child of God once I was an old woman. I really had this thought in high school that I would live my life as I wanted and after I had lived it up, I would accept God and be ready for eternal life after I lived MY life. Little did I know that God had another plan....

Late in my junior year of high school I really started to feel the pull of God on my heart, but I resisted. I knew the truth and what I needed to do, I had even made a public commitment years before but it was more from peer pressure than anything I felt. I made it through the school year and had a fun summer before my senior year. When my senior year started so did the pull and before long we were planning our senior retreat, a weekend trip for seniors only and I was looking forward to the fun and knew I could fake the bible studies, group time, etc. since I'd been doing it for years. The first night a good friends mom, who was also a teacher at the school, saw me crying and starting asking me some pretty tough questions. I knew that she KNEW me, I was good friends with her daughter, I'd spend the night at her house many times, but the questions she asked were so pointed, I couldn't lie and I didn't. I felt the love she had in her heart through those questions and before long she lead me through the salvation plan but this time, it wasn't words, it was very real. I immediately felt exhausted and tired (too many years of pretending) but also refreshed and renewed. I wanted to tell everyone and I did. I lived the life in the months ahead, I read the Bible, I was baptized, I was surrounded by friends and guided by the love that others offered on my faith walk. I became really good friends with a small group of guys and girls and we spent endless amounts of time together, went on "fake dates" as a group, prayed together and loved one another and God. As graduation approached I wrote a touching poem about my faith that ended up on our graduation program and I knew I was ready for college.

As I started at WKU I saw the temptations that others around me were falling to and a group of friends started atteneding meetings with a college Christian organization. I went with them and enjoyed it but it wasn't what I needed that that point. I tried to not be judgemental or fake and I wanted to find a home church for my college years. A small group of us visited many and some found church homes but I contined my search till the middle of my sophomore year. I met a couple of people from that area, became good friends with them and were welcome in their parents homes and they invited me to their church and I went, rather willingly, even though it was several miles outside of Bowling Green. As soon as I entered that church the first time, I felt the Holy Spirit and it was the cold drink of water I was searching for. I attending church very regularly including Wednesday night Bible studies, Sunday School, college group activities and became really good friends with several in the group. At the end of my sophomore year I was invited on a mission trip and spent 6 amazing weeks between Belize and the inner island of Jamica. I saw things I'd never dreamed of and felt blessed in ways that I never imagined. My faith became something I could talk about, wrap myself in for comfort and share with others very freely. I was on a spiritual high and considered mission work for my future. Returning from that trip wasn't easy but I knew what I experienced wasn't gone, I just had think about my faith in my daily life like I had on that trip.

By the start of my junior year I was helping with Acteens, moving out of the dorm and into a house with one of the girls and enjoying this new persective on college life. We weren't perfect and there was plenty of drama within our group but we were friends and loved and talked about God. That year had its ups and down but in December I had a phone call out of the blue from an ex-boyfriend (B) and we agreed to see each other during my Christmas break. I can admit now I never got over him from high school and when I saw him again, all of those feelings came flooding back. I prayed about it and told God exactly what I wanted but also felt my world moving from being God centered to being B centered, I knew it wasn't right but I coudn't stop it.

My senior summer I returned home, even though I could've stayed in the house and in the Bowling Green area, and worked at a summer camp and spent time with B. When I returned to school I was different but quickly fell back into church, bible study but made more and more trips home. I sensed that friends were worrying but I found excuses to dodge difficult conversations. I was balancing school, a relationship with B and friendships. Then in December B proposed and I was beyond excited. During December I also moved out of the house I'd been sharing with the girlfriend from our college group. She and I weren't spending much time together anyways and, with very little said about it, I packed up and moved out and into a house with K&G, two people that were like Christian parents to me and their son, who was also in our college group, had recently moved out so I moved into his room. Looking back at the generosity and love they showed to me, I may have known I was blessed then but now, it's a whole new level of understanding, they are amazing people. As graduation approached so did my wedding date and B and I had just bought a house as well. Life was moving full speed ahead and when wedding invitations were sent to BWG to the friends I considered family, I heard from very few of them and was crushed. I believed it was because they were upset that I was moving away and marrying someone they didn't approve of. As the years passed I heard from a couple of them a few times but that life seemed long gone.

As B and I built our life in Louisville, we took trips, spent time with family and friends, had good jobs and felt blessed. The extent of our faith life was tithing, we've always tithed 10% of our income and felt blessed for the jobs we have and income we make. Aside from that, we both believed, talked about praying for things but it wasn't a very active Christian life. Years passed, we moved, were blessed with a daughter and I lost my dad. Having just given birth 4 months earlier it was a very emotional time and all of the grief and sadness I felt was pushed aisde so I could care for an infant. I put all of myself into caring for her and the relationships around me suffered. I was in a very dark place, could feel it and, little did I know I wouldn't see the LIGHT for awhile. For the next couple years I felt like I was just surviving day to day and not enjoying or savoring life at all. As our 10th anniversary approached I decided to do a collection of photos in a book for B and working on the project I found old letters, journals, notes and pictures that forced me to see the recall a life that I thought was gone. As I read my own words about the friendships I had I knew I had made some big mistakes and not only walked away from friendships but also walked away from God. For the first time in a long time I prayed and felt the love that I'd thrived on in years past. In the next several weeks I felt my soul being cleaned and my spirit being awakened and I found a part of myself that was ever gone. I also knew it was time to make some ammends. I made some phone calls, sent some emails and make two trips to BWG to see people that I hadn't seen in a decade and each person seemed to believe the same thing, that it was good to see me, they missed me and I was welcomed back with open arms. I felt blessed beyond measure and while this area of my life was unpacked and reopened, other parts of my life felt like they were falling apart. Yes, I was upset and angry but I also prayed about thing and found guidance from a couple people, K&G and also P, a long time friend, all who give solid Christian advice and none of the "you poor things advice" that I didn't need or want to hear. My life still feels like a rollar coaster most days but I can get through it with Gods help. I am not alone and never will be. God has given me wisdom and understanding, patience and perseverance and reminds me regulary that he is the only judge and jury because he is omnipotent, since I am not I cannot be judge or jury to anyone. He is the only all knowing and all powerful one in my life and all things work together for the good of HIM!

Although this is my testimony it grows and changes everyday. I love God with all my heart and feel a warmth from Christian radio, blessing from faith based books and his never ending love from the Bible. I am blessed beyond measure and deserve nothing that I have, including his love for me. His light guides my days and comforts my nights, he is now and always there for me.