Letter to Dad

Dad, it's Christmas again and although we think about you throughout the year I miss you the most now. I still can't believe it's been nearly three years since you left us. Christmas hasn't been the same since then and to try and put it into one word, its bittersweet.

Hailey is three years old now and so full of life and I think she saved some of our lives. She knows who you are and hears lots of stories and I try not to get caught up in the fact that I wish she would have gotten to know you and you her. I know you never thought you get to see both Emily and I get married, much less hold a grandchild so I remind myself that the little bit of time you did is a blessing and I cherish those pictures. You would love to be around her, she is so much fun and loves to play rough, laugh and ask endless questions. She's an amazing little girl.

I had heard before that when you lose someone at the holidays it changes the holidays for you and I completely agree with that but it's not all bad changes. The hole that felt punched in my chest is healing and Christmas becomes less about shopping and stress and more about savoring. From the lights to the music, it's the little things that I enjoy the most. There are still things that feel more like a holiday chore but sort of like cleaning the bathroom, I'm glad I did it and when it's finished. I know you were never a big fan of the holidays, the disruption and all, but it was always a peaceful time that was full of visits from people and time to play in the snow. Hailey loves playing in the snow and, just like you, seems to suffer from cabin fever very quickly.

We all miss you so much but I know that you were not destined to be an old man. I can recall talking to you throughout the years that it wasn't the cancer that was killing you, it was the treatment and I know you would have been miserable to have aged on this Earth and learn that your body could no longer keep up with your spirit.

I wouldn't ask for one more day with you, we were blessed with so many extra days that I'd feel selfish you ask for one more but know that we miss you and love you.